Mother's Day and Everyday

Mama, Mama you know I love you
Mama, Mama you're the queen of my heart
Your love is like tears from the stars
Mama I just want you to know lovin' you is like food to my soul
Yes it is, yes it is, oh, yes it is, yes it is, yes it is oh"

---Boys to Men

My mom... I miss her so much. This Mother's Day I will be taking my daughter for the very first time to visit my mom. Just me and My Girl. Painfully, it will not be in her orchid garden, or a dance studio where she loved to jive and cha-cha, or at one of her favorite restaurants, but at her memorial site.

I lost my mom when I was only 17 years old when I was in high school. She passed away from metastasized colon cancer at the young age of 53 years old. There is so much I could write about my mom... her laugh, her smile, her generousity, and the list could go on forever. But today I just feel like grieving (and that is the absolute thing I love about writing. It's mine. I own it. I feel it. I'll write it. The good, the bad, and the ugly).

 I miss her. Miss her so much. At the tender age of 17 years old, I was naive, selfish, and immature. When my mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer, I was scared, upset, and sad. However, I was a scared, upset, and a sad teenager whose world revolved around me. I was in that immature adolescent stage and didn't know how to wrap my head around my mom's illness. I was there for my mom and family during the trying time, but I wasn't fully there. Looking back during that time, if you were to ask me if I'd do anything different...absolutely. I would spend every waking second with her. I would have told her I loved her more. I would have hugged her and never let go. I would have brushed her hair. Smell her more. Yes, smell her. I miss her sweet smell of perfume. I would have taken more pictures of her. I think subconsciously that is why I do take so many pictures is because of my mom. I want to savor each and every second of my children. They are my world and I love them so much. I want them to know that, and I think that's why I try to capture as many memories for them to cherish. I didn't have that opportunity with mom. I sometimes day dream if my mom were still here on Earth with me of how much she would have loved my kids so much, but only for a little bit because it hurts too much. I know her heart would be pouring out with joy and love for my children. I could picture me always trying to get a photo shoot of my children with my mom and how much she would have love that. To pose by her orchids, or dancing and playing with my children at the park. She would have loved that. I would have loved that.  

Quite frankly, I thought that time would heal all wounds. Unfortunately, it has not in my case. Time has made losing my mom even more painful for me. As I was giving birth to my son and daughter, I was screaming for my mom. I wanted her more than ever to be the one by my side... and she was in spirit. Ever since I became a mother, espcially when my daughter came into my life, I find myself grieving more than when I first lost my mom. Not until I became a mother myself, did I know how much my mom loved me and I loved her. A mother's love is like no other.

So this Mother's day, and everyday, kiss, hug, cherish, and love your mothers.